Short Story Collections

Non Fiction: W301 College Spring 2011

I wrote this during some heartbreak. I'm sharing it now because I have gone through the same emotions more than once since then.

Deep Blue

I am drowning. I twist and turn in my sorrow. I clench my shirt, gathered at my chest.

'No.' 'No,' I tell myself. 'I will not.' I gasp for breath. 'I will not cry.'

I clench a pillow against my chest. 'Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.' I should've known I couldn't resist his goofy grin, his flirt, or his sweet- oh so sweet words.

I fell, unexpectedly and unwanted, a scorching breeze when it's already hot enough to sweat- to breathe heavily with little effort. I cover the pillow with snot and tears, drowning in rivers of sorrow.

Shadows from outside my window where people walk mindlessly back and forth, in the snow and ice covered ground dance mockingly across the paneled wall. I wish I was like them- uncaring and going about my day: on a mission and focused. Not tangled up in my own miseries.

He'd grown considerably since our childhood. I'm still rocking the plain Jane look- just more complex and intricate like how a single pencil line becomes a series of shapes and becomes a completed drawing. My goals are more defined. I am more complete in a way- fully grown.

He changed completely. I barely know him. He transformed, leaving and letting go of his past. He became a man. I can no longer see the person he used to be. I, who exists as a remnant of his past, only recognize his goofy grin.

Why do I let these stupid guys get inside of my head? Mere fleeting attraction? Always, always there is a problem with them: girlfriend (there is always someone else), drugs, cigarettes, alcohol, drop-out, or they just want a fling. It's always the attractive ones. The cute ones. Magnetic attraction. Why is that? Am I just unlucky? Why did the first guy I'm attracted to- in years- have to have a girlfriend and be into heavy alcohol and have to pressure me into sex? Damn!

It's like they want to boost their ego. I don't want this. I don't want to play these games. What is the point of attraction, of love- if I can't get to know the person? If there is a wall up between me and another? If that wall includes someone else? I want a connection. I want to be close with another. I am possessive. I don't want to share. This guy is never going to be right for me- as much as I wish he was. It feels like I lost an opportunity to fulfill one of my dreams- to have a family, a husband, a best friend, and to have that connection I desire so much. I know there are other fish in the sea. The media always shows the cutest guys. In this ocean of pain, of loss- my heart doesn't feel like there is anyone else or will be anyone else- ever. Even though my brain knows there will be others- my heart doesn't. My heart was so excited when I fell for him and now it feels like he died. There's nothing left for my heart. I have to move on- even if my heart doesn't agree.