Short Story Collections
Non Fiction: June 2019
Scattered memories of an unrequited love I had to let go to find what I truly needed. I journaled during this time because I was receiving mixed
signals and experiencing mixed emotions. Everything I write here is true, but I'm not writing everything that transpired. There are always two sides to every story. Each person has their own understanding of what happened- this is solely mine. I leave the names out for privacy. Although the people I write about are no longer in my life, they have left memories and thoughts I can't reconcile. Logically, I understand what happened, but emotionally- my heart has still yet to heal. Time is the only thing that heals emotional wounds for me. Events that I went through in my childhood- like my parent's divorce- taught me that healing emotional wounds takes many years for me to heal. Writing it down helps me understand what transpired logically and rereading it gives me comfort that I made the right decisions- even if it still hurts.
Fallen Unrequited Love
A moment- one I did not want to have. Here he is in front of me- tall and keenly watching me. His hand delicately placed on my arm. I look into his eyes- bewildered. A moment passes and he lets go. He walks away without a glance back. He scratches his head. My eyes follow him. He disappears behind a closed door. The moment is over. I furrow my brows and shrug.
He can't feel anything for me and I don't want feelings for him. I don't want to feel hope. I don't want the longing. I don't want to fall in love- especially not with him.
How many times did he ask if I was single? Six- I think. Why would a guy like him have any interest in me? He is always surrounded by people. I almost always go out of my way to avoid them. One-on-one is fine. Surrounded- I feel suffocated. I can't connect. I flounder. I drown. I can't find me in a sea of people. I don't belong in his world. I can't be what he wants. I am a homebody. I love to be at home. Excursions amuse me and give me inspiration. However, he needs more. He'll need to be surrounded by people constantly. I know the type. My sister is that type. One person could never fulfill her. She needs constant interaction and ego-boosting. He will also. I can't give him that.
He'll strangle my heart and keep me tide up when I yearn to write and draw. Even now the tingling feeling pulls at my hands to create- my mind formulating a web. He isn't right for me.
I have to ignore this pull- this attraction to him. I have to forcefully shift my feet away. I am in control of my focus. This isn't something I want.
I remember when he asked me to a single's event. I thought he was joking- I couldn't take him seriously. Why would I want to be surrounded with people obsessed with this one thing I was slightly interested in? I remember the two guys my sister and I ran into at the park. I grimaced. Non-stop talking about one subject. I couldn't get away faster- just annoying. Talk about something intelligent- not common knowledge about a game where the magnificent complex mechanics were reduced to a minuscule version of itself. Yawn.
I felt like he wanted to use me to meet other people. No way in hell was I going to be around that kind of crowd and being around a guy that didn't have the gall to ask me out on an actual date.
No. This isn't something I want.
But that smile and the pure joyous look in his eyes. He was just so cute at times. I could fall for him if circumstances were different and if it felt like he was actually interested in me.
His eyes looked so lonely at times. I could tell he was hurting and needed companionship, but he doesn't see me. He would've asked anyone. I just happened to be there- in front of him. He doesn't love me.
You Complete Me
"You complete me," she said to him.
I don't want to see this. I don't want to feel this. Why in front of my desk- right when I get back from lunch?
Why? Why? Why?
Her hand on his arm. Her words.
I scattered away.
His look of repulsion- of disgust. He ran away too.
My feelings all come together and make me want to vomit. Her hand on his arm. His hand on my arm. My feelings are scattered. I feel sick and disgusted.
I think of her words and roll my eyes. Really? Are you so broken, so cut in half that someone can complete you? I scoff. Ridiculous.
But I understand one thing- I have feelings for this guy. Feelings I don't want. I have to say something.
No. He doesn't complete me. No one will. I have one piece missing to my puzzle, but I am a whole person with or without that piece. I am happy alone. I have goals and I am concentrated on their completion. I would love companionship, but not at the expense of myself and who I am.
"I like you, but I can't like you. So can you please stop flirting with me?"
Or whatever the hell you're doing. I have to work. I have things to do. You are distracting me.
I probably should've said nothing. I just can't ever keep silent- not when I feel so strongly. Nothing will come out of it anyway- not that I want it to. Not with him.
The Other Guys
Short. Annoying. Obnoxious. I stared at the guy in front of me who just asked me out. No way in hell. You're a little brat. Why do I have to look so young? I hate younger guys.
"What do you think of that girl over there?"
"What girl? Over where?"
I look around. No one was really notable.
She was thin with long hair. Maybe a size 2 in jeans and a shirt.
She just blended in with everything else. Her hair was straight and long.
"Don't you think she's pretty?"
"No. I like her hair." What are you getting at? She's really not that remarkable. She looks like me when I was younger. I never cut my hair, but it was so thick- I couldn't straighten it.
He asked another girl if she thought that girl was pretty and she said yes. I shrugged my shoulders.
He probably thought I was into girls because I wouldn't go out with him. Nope. Never. Closer to being asexual- than being into girls. They just look all the same to me- so do most guys, actually. But you're just obnoxious.
A different day, a different guy- months later.
"What do you think of him?"
"I don't." He was tall, round, and kinda geeky. I didn't really have an opinion of him. He didn't talk to me. The guy talking to me was always asking invasive questions. He was generally happy and talkative. I didn't really mind answering because he asked the questions directly- instead of beating around the bush.
"Why don't you two go do something together?"
"No. Why?" Why would I hang out with a guy who doesn't talk to me or interest me? I don't really want to talk to him either.
He kept pushing me to go out with him. It really wasn't going to happen. If I wanted to go out with someone- it was going to be with someone cute I matched with on Tinder. If only I didn't have to weed out the ones that just wanted a quick lay- I wouldn't be single.
"Maybe when he's older." The old cop-out. The guy was three or four years younger than me. I'm not interested in him now, but maybe later. Maybe. Probably not.
The one I had feelings for found someone else. I should be happy for him, but he doesn't look happier. His smile isn't brighter. The brightest I've ever seen it is when I come in on Monday morning. Through my grogginess- it throws me off guard. He really is quite beautiful when he smiles.
In anger, I smash through my matches on Tinder. I talk to a few, but they're just looking for something short term. Not me- not ever. I contemplate just going with it to make him jealous, but I can't. I'm not that person and I don't have feelings for these random guys. I can't just go with the flow of things. I want to know their intentions and who they are. I want to know if they can love me and I can love them. They fall away as quickly as we match and I'm left with a longing for something I don't have- love.
He asks me to a movie- a childish one. One I wouldn't have ever considered, but he's with someone else and he has his own goals he should be focused on. I remind him of this and he drops it- for good this time. He was probably asking me out for that other guy anyway. Either way- it doesn't feel right or okay.
I need to get over him. I need to get away from him.
The unthinkable happens. A wreck. A bad wreck. My mother is in a coma for a week. He's nowhere. Not here. Not supportive. Not where I need him most. He's not the one. He doesn't love me. I wish he did. I fooled myself. My feelings have no logic. I have no choice. I have to help my mother and I have to leave.
I did leave. I did let him go. It hurt. A million tears fall, but I still left.
Like a foolish woman- not the person I wanted to be- but one who does not think- I texted him. Not once- not twice. There were many, many times I messaged him. When the feelings overwhelmed- when I was weak. I messaged him. He replied once and never again. It hurt. A lot, but I reminded myself he wasn't there. He wasn't right for me. I knew this- logically. It was difficult to give him up, but I did and it was right.
Two years later- I met someone. It felt right for a moment. Nothing felt forced. Nothing felt pressured. We talked. We lived together, but I had to let the one go that wasn't right for me to find the one that was closer.
I wish I could say that everything I went through was worth it. It wasn't. I'm using the experience and my understanding of similar situations, but I can't say that the emotional torment was worth anything. I wish I'd never met him. He was the worst kind of person for me to be around at that time. My heart wasn't healed. The wounds still felt fresh, I was very depressed, and my lifestyle was subpar. I slept on a futon in a dining room of a one-bedroom duplex with three other adults when we first met. He was showing off his watch and his bank account. My heart wasn't open. I needed a lot of encouragement. I had no confidence in anything I did at the time. I was fighting depression. I was just trying to stand up on my own two feet. I wasn't looking for love- at all. During that time because I was working, I was able to afford a one-bedroom apartment on a VERY tight budget. I was slowly taking myself out of depression. I tried to not talk about anything I was dealing with. It wasn't the right place for those conversations.
I haven't messaged him since I found someone a year after I left. Some people make you into a better person and some people leave emotional scars. For me, this is an emotional scar. I talked to friends and family. I know I made the right decision of saying 'no' when he asked me out and I made the right decision by leaving. In truth, outside of work- I could've never trusted him. The way he interacted with other people was very flirtatious and condescending at the same time. I would've been insecure if I were ever with him- regardless of what he wanted- friendship or otherwise. It was never clear. He was never clear with me. He always skirted around every serious issue- like it was my fault that there was an issue. I am insecure, but I am very direct. All anyone ever needed to do is ask to find out what is on my mind especially when I am not at work. I sugar coat things when I am working. There are conversations that I refuse to have when I am working.
The best outcome is what happened- even if it hurts- I can accept it. The best thing that I learned was that there were guys I was attracted to- out there in the world and I was lucky enough to find more than one. I also learned what I didn't want. I didn't want someone that was wishy-washy in what he wanted and I also didn't want someone who wasn't after a long term relationship. It took a lot of sifting through people, but I was lucky enough to find a brief moment in the sun and for that- I am grateful.