
A Broken Heart
Unloved, Unnecessary
I dearly wish life was easy.
Love has been the thorn of my existence. I fell for Tommy from the Power Rangers when I was 3. Love teaches me nothing but to let go. I never went through the cootie phase. My first crush was when I was in Kindergarten. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. The older I get, then more I just don't want to feel anything at all.
Why would I when it causes me nothing but pain?
First Heartbreak
When I was a little girl
About the age of nine
I told a little boy
With a stuttering confession
"I like you"
He ran away without a glance
Four years later
In my teenage years
I still held the crush in my heart
But my words were locked down
My then “best” friend
Asked him out
It still hurts to this day.
I made a promise to myself
To not fall in love again
Until I was older
And could handle the drama
Now- I don’t think there is an age
Where this is ever true
Childhood Friend
I was 20
Single for all my life
When he asked me to play games in his room
I was very naïve
We grew up together, but
I found out he had a girlfriend
Right before
Things didn’t go his way, I’m sure
I asked him out
And he stood me up
Now he’s no longer my type
An Older Guy
I was 24 and he was 38
We went out on quite a few dates
The sparks in the air was palpable between us
But I felt the age gap was too far, so I was going slow
Then I found out he was married
Currently living in the same house
I refused to speak to him after
And he then he started hanging out with someone even younger
Fallen Unrequited Love
I just turned 26
I was blind
I didn’t see him until he put his hand on my arm
When I finally understood my feelings
It was far too late
He had asked me to a single’s event prior
At that time
There was no point
I knew I was not pretty enough to find my type of guy
And I was broken and blind
I lived with my mom
The water was even shut off
What else could I do?
Another girl touched him
And I felt disgusted with jealousy
Too many other girls loved him
I only want one person for me
I do not share
I found out he had a boyfriend
Which was pretty obvious
As they exchanged cars
But he kept trying to spend time with me
I saw this girl who was much younger than me
She totally had a crush on this guy
Others kept trying to set me up with him
I encouraged her crush
And confessed to her who I had eyes for
She wanted him too
And bought him a 12 case of CocaCola and told him
He asked me if I had Netflix during the Netflix and Chill hype
I didn’t have internet
He asked if I needed help with my drawings
I wouldn’t let him or anyone else for that matter
He asked me to a movie
I wouldn’t go
He asked me to take a class with him
I was broke
This is not who I chose to fall in love with
But I fell
Stupidly
I might as well not have a brain
So I ran
Because he does not love me
My First
After heartbreak
Finding someone was nothing short than a miracle
Especially with me
I— months shy of 28
We matched on Tinder and met at Starbucks
We walked on the Monon Trail and ate fries at Penn Station
We kept talking everyday consistently for 3 ½ years
He was my lover and my best friend
Fear was ever present
I was uncertain
He would not make decisions
Ever, unless forced
I tried to give him time
But there was no way to know his mind
He loved his ex
But I was not aware until a year in
There was no way to know before
He wanted me to be her
Tiny size 0 and blonde
I couldn’t keep up and fell into depression
His drug issues didn’t start until a year and a half in
Even though I threw and flushed them away
He would just buy more
I was working two jobs,
So it hurt me in more ways than one
Because I felt like he wasn’t being supportive
We were engaged
And he wouldn’t make decisions
On the date
The venue
Or even the state
I wanted something small and remote
Away from my extended family
He wanted things to stay as they were
Except for me to magically lose weight
When I didn’t have the time or the resources
He dumped me
Saying he cheated
7 days before Christmas
And nearly immediately lived with someone else
Because I wasn’t vegan
Or skinny
Or blonde
Monthly later I let him back in
Stupidly
Foolishly
It ended the same way
And I no longer believe in him
Forward
I wish I could put my heart in a box
Because beauty fades
Because I can’t guarantee true love
Prayer- does nothing
God won’t intervene because we have freedom of choice as individuals
This is not something I have control over
Or really anyone does
I am no longer naïve
The benefits of love do not outweigh the risks
Rather that be financial, emotional, or physical
I don’t want to experience the highs of love
When I desire to never experience the gut retching pain of the lows
There is no physical pain that can match the lows
When the lows can cause heavy depression, hemorrhaging from stress and excessive crying, financial ruin, and near suicide.
I don't want to fall in love with anyone
Unless it is forever.







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