I dearly wish life was easy.

Love has been the thorn of my existence. I fell for Tommy from the Power Rangers when I was 3. Love teaches me nothing but to let go. I never went through the cootie phase. My first crush was when I was in Kindergarten. I always wore my heart on my sleeve. The older I get, then more I just don't want to feel anything at all.

Why would I when it causes me nothing but pain?

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First Heartbreak

 

When I was a little girl

About the age of nine

I told a little boy

With a stuttering confession

"I like you"

He ran away without a glance

 

Four years later

In my teenage years

I still held the crush in my heart

But my words were locked down

My then “best” friend

Asked him out

 

It still hurts to this day.

 

I made a promise to myself

To not fall in love again

Until I was older

And could handle the drama

 

Now- I don’t think there is an age

Where this is ever true

 

Childhood Friend

 

I was 20

Single for all my life

When he asked me to play games in his room

I was very naïve 

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We grew up together, but

I found out he had a girlfriend

Right before

Things didn’t go his way, I’m sure

 

I asked him out

And he stood me up

 

Now he’s no longer my type

 

An Older Guy

 

I was 24 and he was 38

We went out on quite a few dates

The sparks in the air was palpable between us

But I felt the age gap was too far, so I was going slow

 

Then I found out he was married

Currently living in the same house

I refused to speak to him after

And he then he started hanging out with someone even younger

 

Fallen Unrequited Love

 

I just turned 26

I was blind

I didn’t see him until he put his hand on my arm

When I finally understood my feelings

It was far too late

 

He had asked me to a single’s event prior

At that time

There was no point

I knew I was not pretty enough to find my type of guy

And I was broken and blind

I lived with my mom

The water was even shut off

 

What else could I do?

 

Another girl touched him

And I felt disgusted with jealousy

 

Too many other girls loved him

I only want one person for me

I do not share

 

I found out he had a boyfriend

Which was pretty obvious 

As they exchanged cars

But he kept trying to spend time with me

 

I saw this girl who was much younger than me

She totally had a crush on this guy 

Others kept trying to set me up with him

I encouraged her crush 

And confessed to her who I had eyes for

She wanted him too

And bought him a 12 case of CocaCola and told him

 

He asked me if I had Netflix during the Netflix and Chill hype

I didn’t have internet

He asked if I needed help with my drawings

I wouldn’t let him or anyone else for that matter

He asked me to a movie

I wouldn’t go

He asked me to take a class with him

I was broke

 

This is not who I chose to fall in love with

But I fell

Stupidly

I might as well not have a brain

 

So I ran

Because he does not love me

 

My First

 

After heartbreak

Finding someone was nothing short than a miracle

Especially with me

 

I— months shy of 28

We matched on Tinder and met at Starbucks

We walked on the Monon Trail and ate fries at Penn Station

We kept talking everyday consistently for 3 ½ years

He was my lover and my best friend

 

Fear was ever present

I was uncertain

He would not make decisions

Ever, unless forced

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I tried to give him time

But there was no way to know his mind

 

He loved his ex

But I was not aware until a year in

There was no way to know before

 

He wanted me to be her

Tiny size 0 and blonde

I couldn’t keep up and fell into depression

 

His drug issues didn’t start until a year and a half in

Even though I threw and flushed them away

He would just buy more

 

I was working two jobs,

So it hurt me in more ways than one

Because I felt like he wasn’t being supportive

 

We were engaged

And he wouldn’t make decisions

On the date

The venue

Or even the state

 

I wanted something small and remote

Away from my extended family

 

He wanted things to stay as they were

Except for me to magically lose weight

When I didn’t have the time or the resources

 

He dumped me

Saying he cheated

7 days before Christmas

 

And nearly immediately lived with someone else

Because I wasn’t vegan

Or skinny

Or blonde

 

Monthly later I let him back in

Stupidly

Foolishly

 

It ended the same way

And I no longer believe in him

 

Forward

 

I wish I could put my heart in a box

Because beauty fades

Because I can’t guarantee true love

 

Prayer- does nothing

God won’t intervene because we have freedom of choice as individuals

This is not something I have control over

Or really anyone does

 

I am no longer naïve 

 

The benefits of love do not outweigh the risks

Rather that be financial, emotional, or physical 

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I don’t want to experience the highs of love

When I desire to never experience the gut retching pain of the lows

There is no physical pain that can match the lows

When the lows can cause heavy depression, hemorrhaging from stress and excessive crying, financial ruin, and near suicide.

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I don't want to fall in love with anyone

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Unless it is forever.