Short Story Collections
Non Fiction: June 2019
Updated: August 2021
At nine years old I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to draw, to create with my own hands. I wanted to be a creator- not a destroyer. If you are not giving, if you are not creating- then you are taking and destroying. Living and participating in a consumer society destroys the Earth. Drinking from a plastic bottle and not recycling creates death and decay to the ocean. Throwing anything away adds junk to be burned or thrown in the ocean. Simply living the day to day life- destroys our planet. I was born and raised in Indiana- we still burn coal for electricity. Coal mining still exists. Being human is toxic to the environment.
Creating is the only answer to this destruction. Creating is also the only thing I have ever yearn to do. After all, my first memory is drawing a tiny bird on the wall in pencil. I loved building blocks with my sisters. I was so mad when they destroyed my perfectly laid bricks. We also played with clay- lots and lots of clay. We were all very creative children.
I knew- even during my younger days- that Indiana was an awful state to make the kind of art I wanted to create. Originally I wanted to move to New York, but I despise the snow. I changed my mind when I was twelve and decided I would move to Florida. I quickly realized that I absolutely hated the humidity when I found out that it was the reason my hands sweated when I drew. Ever since then, I've yearned to move to California. I will live there- hopefully soon.
Love was something fairly unattainable until very recently and even then it was only a brief moment in the sun. My first crush ran away from me when I told him I liked him. I was nine. When I was twelve, my seemingly best friend asked him out on a date. I was devastated. I went with her terrible suggestion that I should go out with this other guy I wasn't attracted to and only talked to him because I liked to destroy him in playing Yugioh cards. I went out with him and there was nothing- no spark- he was just as boring as he was when we were friends. I went out with someone else a couple of years later. He had asked me out. I felt nothing for him, so it went nowhere. After that, I swore off guys until after high school. I was not going to the same college as most of them and was not on the same life path as the rest of them. It was a waste of time to try.
In college, I had no better luck. The first guy I felt a connection with, had a girlfriend and didn't tell me when we hung out for over a week in 2009. That fell apart fast. Then I reconnected with an old childhood friend who just wanted to play the field in 2011. I think he went out with six or more girls in a span of a few months. That one hurt- a lot. I couldn't be around guys or even people after that— I was really heartbroken. I even asked him out on a date and he stood me up.
Between 2011 and 2013, I tried match.com with no success. I went into the mindset that a relationship would have to happen organically as trying to force myself to date wasn't working.
It wasn't until a few years later when I felt another connection- one I had to walk away from in 2013. He was older- 38, I think. I was 23. We went out to eat four or five times over than span of a few months. I was taking it super slow. Then I found out he was married. He said he was going through a divorce, but didn't mention that they still lived together. I left. I haven't talked to him since. He actually tried to reconnect about two years later in late 2015 and I absolutely refused to talk to him. I couldn't trust him— ever again.
A few years later— worse luck by far. I felt a connection with a homosexual guy in 2016. It hurt— a lot. I've always believed love is love. Other's sexual orientation never really bothered me and I have never really given it a thought because I considered myself heterosexual (and asexual because I'm attracted to like no one— it's so rare that it gave me so many problems when I was dating). It didn't really matter to me what everyone else was— I didn't really care. In this instance, I really felt played. He was a flirt and I accidentally fell for him. Because I thought he was gay from the beginning, I didn't have my guard up and I didn't realize that I was attracted to him until it was too late. I never went out of my way to talk to him or try to get to know him, but he went out of his way to get to know me. That's why I felt like I got played. He asked me to a Single's event, to a movie, asked to help on a project I was working on, and he even asked me if I wanted to go to a class with him. Did I mention that he had a boyfriend during some of these? No? Well, he did. Maybe he was trying to date me, but he never said the word 'date' or try to get me understand that he was interested. I require words especially in his case. Let alone— I don't want to be with anyone who is playing the field or with someone else. I don't need the confusion or to feel like I am a third wheel. I don't need a blow to my self-esteem. I am too insecure to play games and I won't tolerate it. As far as I could tell, he was gay. He never said otherwise. He refused to answer any personal questions and it felt like he was making fun of me. He said sweet nothings to me— empty words that sounded so pretty coming out of his mouth like "I trust you more than anyone here" or "I'll never meet anyone else like you. Will I?"— no you won't, but that's a whole other topic. He didn't need to say them. I tried to brush it off at the time it was happening, but I also didn't realize how much he hurt me. He was more than I could handle at the time. I also tried to get closure to no avail. If I saw him today, I would probably run the other direction due to my unresolved feelings and the pain I would undoubtedly feel. I wasn't completely innocent when I tore myself out of his life. I did not go near him, eventually removed mutual friends, and I eventually blocked/deleted his number. I may (I do regret this— the only thing I regret in this terrible fiasco) have started a rumor that he was bisexual to the other females I thought were interested in him. I easily found out I wasn't the only one who had feelings for him. There were four other girls that also had feelings for him (even if they weren't necessarily aware of it themselves— I can read women so easily due to having three younger sisters and many, many friends. What do you think us girls talk about? Guys. Constantly). I'm actually not sure which one hurt more— when my seemingly best friend asked out my long term crush, when I found out old childhood friend was a player, or the one that was gay. Love was an enigma for most of my life. It was so beautifully wrapped and unattainable.
I was turning 27 when I realized I seriously wanted a boyfriend and I felt like it was time. I always had dreams of getting married and having kids. I just thought it would happen naturally in my life and I would organically meet the right person. It wasn't until then that I understood that I needed to actually look for the right person. Instead of swearing off guys because I was heartbroken— I went out on dates with a bunch of different guys. I insisted. If they wanted a one night stand or anything similar, I texted "We're not looking for the same thing" because it was true. Once I realized I had to fight for what I wanted, I actually went on dates. One stood me up on our first date and tried to get me to go to his apartment. One guy showed up in grey sweats on our date and had lied about his height (he was shorter than me and I use filters for height— sorry if this offends anyone, but I've never been attracted to anyone shorter than me— there are plenty of sweet women who are shorter than you and some don't care— so don't lie). One- one super cute one- had a two-year-old kid and it freaked me out. I wasn't ready for kids- I'm still not. I want them— just not yet.
Then, I met one I spent 3 1/2 years with. He was a gentleman when we were dating. He even bought me flowers and wrote me poems. We could talk about anything. He wasn't not perfect— no one really is, but I was attracted to him. It ended in heartbreak, but I will not give up because I was made to be loved.
The biggest lesson I learned in love is:
The people worthy of you and your love will give you the respect and consideration you deserve. If you tell someone that you have feelings for them and they do not give you the consideration you deserve then they do not deserve you. Not a single one of the guys that broke my heart gave me either. I would not give any of them a second chance. This is not a matter of pride. This is a matter of self-worth. Your time and your feelings are worth more than the people who have hurt you. If they don't give you the respect or the consideration you deserve, then they have proven themselves unworthy of your love.
Writing actually was very difficult for me. The first grade I received lower than a C was in 7th Grade Grammar. It is not a natural talent. It wasn't until I got into fan fiction that I loved writing. I may not have been great at writing at the time, but I loved reading. My reading comprehension was great. I never had any issue reading.
Originally I wanted to draw a fan fiction story. It was very, very slow going. My drawings were good, but it just took too long, and at the time- I didn't like color. It didn't have the 'wow' factor that I can create today, so I took to writing. I loved how fast I could get through a moment in time. The dialogue was fun to write and my imagination was boundless. I never had enough time in the day to write. I loved it.
I took a creative writing class in high school. My teacher was amazing. My writing improved so much and I just craved more. That's why I pursued a double major in college.
Projects. Oh- I have so many. Most of them are in my head.
Faeryland (Making Some Edits- taking out the Alice in Wonderland stuff)
Belle Through the Mirrors (Haven't Started)
Atlantis (Slow Progress)
Dragon's Lament (Slow Progress, but still working on it)
Ragnarok (On-Hold- barely started)
Hot Air Balloons (Finished Sketching- Working on Inking)
Mr. Miacca (Complete)
Journey to Love (Working Title- Not Started- might be a comic)
Mysterious Box (Finally bought a Cintiq- edits will start when I finish the additional edits on Faeryland)
Dragon's Lament (On Possibly Permanent Hold)
A Love Story (Probably Complete)
Thinking of A Lot of Possible Projects- I haven't quite nailed down anything in my head as of yet
-Car Design (My dad would LOVE this one)
-Vases/ Pots (I loved making them in Ceramics- curious about making them in 3D)
-Chandeliers/ Lighting (I think lighting is my favorite thing to do in 3D art- this one would be fun)
-Diamonds/ Jewels (I'm curious what I could do with reflections and the beautiful shining jewels in 3D)
Other Random Projects:
Unrequited Love (Song Complete- needs music- will probably collaborate with my boyfriend)
Player (Song Complete- needs music)
Full Moon Night (started)
Large Version of Unity
Love & Roses
My inspiration comes from everything and anywhere- a fabric I like, subject matter, curiosity, or just a feeling. I've been creating so long that I don't always know exactly where something comes from. I'm just always looking for something to inspire me. I really like going to museums. The Indianapolis Museum of Art is very inspiring. It has a Vincent Van Gogh painting. He's my favorite artist. His paintings are so static, but you can see the life and the wind in his paintings.
Chris Oatley is also an inspiration for me. He works for Disney. His podcast is amazing when you want to be 'in the know' for what is going on in the animation industry- when you aren't in it. He says projects are the new portfolios. They are. I took a portfolio class and the portfolio that emerged from that class will never get me a job- and I got a good grade! If you want to be an illustrator- illustrate. If you want to be a photographer- take photographs! Do the thing you want to do. If you don't know what to illustrate or take pictures of- you will find your answer in a project related to what you are pursuing. It doesn't have to be a job. You are hiring yourself- so you can get a job. That's why I have so many projects- all going on at once. I just want to do so many things!
Be the Person You Wish to Be
Follow Your Own Path