Short Story Collections

Non Fiction: June 2019

Self Dissertation

I Am

A Dreamer

At nine years old I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to draw, to create with my own hands. I wanted to be a creator- not a destroyer. If you are not giving, if you are not creating- then you are taking and destroying. Living and participating in a consumer society destroys the Earth. Drinking from a plastic bottle and not recycling creates death and decay to the ocean. Throwing anything away adds junk to be burned or thrown in the ocean. Simply living the day to day life- destroys our planet. I was born and raised in Indiana- we still burn coal for electricity. Coal mining still exists. Being human is toxic to the environment.

Creating is the only answer to this destruction. Creating is also the only thing I have ever yearn to do. After all, my first memory is drawing a tiny bird on the wall in pencil. I loved building blocks with my sisters. I was so mad when they destroyed my perfectly laid bricks. We also played with clay- lots and lots of clay. We were all very creative children.

I knew- even during my younger days- that Indiana was an awful state to make the kind of art I wanted to create. Originally I wanted to move to New York, but I despise the snow. I changed my mind when I was twelve and decided I would move to Florida. I quickly realized that I absolutely hated the humidity when I found out that it was the reason my hands sweated when I drew. Ever since then, I've yearned to move to California. I will live there- hopefully soon.

Love

Love was something fairly unattainable until very recently. My first crush ran away from me when I told him I liked him. I was nine. When I was twelve, my seemingly best friend asked him out on a date. I was devastated. I went with her terrible suggestion that I should go out with this other guy I wasn't attracted to and only talked to him because I liked to destroy him in playing Yugioh cards. I went out with him and there was nothing- no spark- he was just as boring as he was when we were friends. I went out with someone else a couple of years later. He had asked me out. I felt nothing for him, so it went nowhere. After that, I swore off guys until after high school. I was not going to the same college as most of them and was not on the same life path as the rest of them. It was a waste of time to try. 

In college, I had no better luck. The first guy I felt a connection with, had a girlfriend and didn't tell me when we hung out for over a week. That fell apart fast. Then I reconnected with an old childhood friend who just wanted to play the field. I think he went out with six or more girls in a span of a few months. That one hurt- a lot. I couldn't be around guys or even people after that- I was really heartbroken.

 

It wasn't until a few years later when I felt another connection- one I had to walk away from. He was older- 38, I think. I was 23. We went out to eat four or five times over than span of a few months. I was taking it super slow. Then I found out he was married. I left. I haven't talked to him since. He actually tried to reconnect about two years later and I absolutely refused to talk to him. I couldn't trust him- ever again. 

 

A few years later- worse luck by far. I felt a connection with a homosexual guy. It hurt- a lot. I've always believed love is love. Other's sexual orientation never really bothered me and I have never really given it a thought because I considered myself heterosexual. It didn't really matter to me what everyone else was- I didn't really care. In this instance, I really felt played. He was a flirt and I accidentally fell for him. Because I thought he was gay from the beginning, I didn't have my guard up and I didn't realize that I was attracted to him until it was too late. I never went out of my way to talk to him or try to get to know him, but he went out of his way to get to know me. That's why I felt like I got played. He asked me to a Single's event, to a movie, asked to help on a project I was working on, and he even asked me if I wanted to go to a class with him. He said sweet nothings to me- empty words that sounded so pretty coming out of his mouth. He didn't need to say them. I tried to brush it off at the time it was happening, but I also didn't realize how much he hurt me. I tried to get closure to no avail. If I saw him today, I would probably run the other direction due to my unresolved feeling and the pain I would undoubtedly feel. I'm actually not sure which one hurt more- when my seemingly best friend asked my long term crush, when I found out old childhood friend was a player, or the one that was gay. Love was an enigma for most of my life. It was so beautifully wrapped and unattainable.

 

I was turning 27 when I realized I seriously wanted a boyfriend and I felt like it was time. I always had dreams of getting married and having kids. I just thought it would happen naturally in my life and I would organically meet the right person. It wasn't until then that I understood that I needed to actually look for the right person. Instead of swearing off guys because I was heartbroken- I went out on dates with a bunch of different guys. One stood me up on our first date and tried to get me to go to his apartment. One guy showed up in grey sweats on our date. One- one super cute one- had a two-year-old kid and it freaked me out. I wasn't ready for kids- I'm still not. I want them- just not yet. Then, I met the one I'm still with. He was a gentleman when we were dating. He even bought me flowers and wrote me poems. We can talk about anything. He's not perfect- no one really is, but I am attracted to him and he is mine. Even bad luck turns around eventually.

The biggest lesson I learned in love is:

The people worthy of you and your love will give you the respect and consideration you deserve. If you tell someone that you have feelings for them and they do not give you the consideration you deserve then they do not deserve you. Not a single one of the guys that broke my heart gave me either. I would not give any of them a second chance. This is not a matter of pride. This is a matter of self-worth. Your time and your feelings are worth more than the people who have hurt you. If they don't give you the respect or the consideration you deserve, then they have proven themselves unworthy of your love.

A Writer

Writing actually was very difficult for me. The first grade I received lower than a C was in 7th Grade Grammar. It is not a natural talent. It wasn't until I got into fan fiction that I loved writing. I may not have been great at writing at the time, but I loved reading. My reading comprehension was great. I never had any issue reading. 

 

Originally I wanted to draw a fan fiction story. It was very, very slow going. My drawings were good, but it just took too long, and at the time- I didn't like color. It didn't have the 'wow' factor that I can create today, so I took to writing. I loved how fast I could get through a moment in time. The dialogue was fun to write and my imagination was boundless. I never had enough time in the day to write. I loved it.

I took a creative writing class in high school. My teacher was amazing. My writing improved so much and I just craved more. That's why I pursued a double major in college.

My Projects

Projects. Oh- I have so many. Most of them are in my head.

 

Writing:

Faeryland (Making Some Edits- taking out the Alice in Wonderland stuff)

Belle Through the Mirrors (Haven't Started)

Atlantis (Slow Progress)

Dragon's Lament (Slow Progress, but still working on it)

Ragnarok (On-Hold- barely started)

Storyboards:

Hot Air Balloons (Finished Sketching- Working on Inking)

Mr. Miacca (Complete)

Journey to Love (Working Title- Not Started- might be a comic)

Comics:

Mysterious Box (Finally bought a Cintiq- edits will start when I finish the additional edits on Faeryland)

Dragon's Lament (On Possibly Permanent Hold)

A Love Story (Probably Complete)

3D:

Thinking of A Lot of Possible Projects- I haven't quite nailed down anything in my head as of yet

-Car Design (My dad would LOVE this one)

-Vases/ Pots (I loved making them in Ceramics- curious about making them in 3D)

-Chandeliers/ Lighting (I think lighting is my favorite thing to do in 3D art- this one would be fun)

-Diamonds/ Jewels (I'm curious what I could do with reflections and the beautiful shining jewels in 3D)

Other Random Projects:

Songs:

Unrequited Love (Song Complete- needs music- will probably collaborate with my boyfriend)

Player (Song Complete- needs music)

Paintings:

Full Moon Night (started)

Large Version of Unity

Love & Roses

My inspiration comes from everything and anywhere- a fabric I like, subject matter, curiosity, or just a feeling. I've been creating so long that I don't always know exactly where something comes from. I'm just always looking for something to inspire me. I really like going to museums. The Indianapolis Museum of Art is very inspiring. It has a Vincent Van Gogh painting. He's my favorite artist. His paintings are so static, but you can see the life and the wind in his paintings. 

Chris Oatley is also an inspiration for me. He works for Disney. His podcast is amazing when you want to be 'in the know' for what is going on in the animation industry- when you aren't in it. He says projects are the new portfolios. They are. I took a portfolio class and the portfolio that emerged from that class will never get me a job- and I got a good grade! If you want to be an illustrator- illustrate. If you want to be a photographer- take photographs! Do the thing you want to do. If you don't know what to illustrate or take pictures of- you will find your answer in a project related to what you are pursuing. It doesn't have to be a job. You are hiring yourself- so you can get a job. That's why I have so many projects- all going on at once. I just want to do so many things!

Be the Person You Wish to Be

Ignore Naysayers

Follow Your Own Path