Short Story Collections

Non Fiction: June 2019

Self Dissertation

Updated: October 2022

I Am – A Self Dissertation

A Dreamer

At nine years old I knew what I wanted to be. I wanted to draw, to create with my own hands. I wanted to be a creator— not a destroyer. If you are not giving, if you are not creating— then you are taking and destroying. Living and participating in a consumer society destroys the Earth. Drinking from a plastic bottle and not recycling creates death and decay to the ocean. Throwing anything away adds junk to be burned or thrown in the ocean. Simply living the day to day life— destroys our planet. I was born and raised in Indiana— we still burn coal for electricity. Coal mining still exists. Being human is toxic to the environment.

Creating is the only answer to this destruction. Creating is also the only thing I have ever yearn to do. After all, my first memory is drawing a tiny bird on the wall in pencil. I loved building blocks with my sisters. I was so mad when they destroyed my perfectly laid bricks. We also played with clay— lots and lots of clay. We were all very creative children.

I knew, even during my younger days, that Indiana was an awful state to make the kind of art I wanted to create. I yearn to work in animation. Originally I wanted to move to New York, but I despise the snow. I changed my mind when I was twelve and decided I would move to Florida. I quickly realized that I absolutely hated the humidity when I found out that it was the reason my hands sweated when I drew. Ever since then, I've yearned to move to California. I will live there— eventually. Housing prices are so ridiculous. I am almost finished with my second degree and I plan to work on personal projects until I can get a high level job in California.

Love

Love was something fairly unattainable until very recently and even then it was only a brief moment in the sun. My first crush ran away from me when I told him I liked him. I was nine. When I was twelve, my seemingly best friend asked him out on a date. I was devastated. I went with her terrible suggestion that I should go out with this other guy I wasn't attracted to and only talked to him because I liked to destroy him in playing Yugioh cards. I went out with him and there was nothing- no spark- he was just as boring as he was when we were friends. I went out with someone else a couple of years later. He had asked me out. I felt nothing for him, so it went nowhere. After that, I swore off guys until after high school. I was not going to the same college as most of them and was not on the same life path as the rest of them. It was a waste of time to try. It also didn't help that I'm not attracted to like— anyone.

In college, I had no better luck. The first guy I felt a connection with, had a girlfriend and didn't tell me when we hung out for over a week in 2009. That fell apart fast. Then I reconnected with an old childhood friend who just wanted to play the field in 2011. I think he went out with six or more girls in a span of a few months. That one hurt— a lot. I couldn't be around guys or even people after that— I was really heartbroken. I even asked him out on a date and he stood me up.

Between 2011 and 2013, I tried match.com with no success. I went into the mindset that a relationship would have to happen organically as trying to force myself to date wasn't working.

 

It wasn't until a few years later when I felt another connection— one I had to walk away from in 2013. He was much older— 38, I think. I was only 23. We went out to eat four or five times over the span of a few months. I also spent quite a lot of time with him. I was taking it super slow. Then I found out he was married. He said he was going through a divorce, but didn't mention that they still lived together. I left. I haven't talked to him since. He actually tried to reconnect about two years later in late 2015 and I absolutely refused to talk to him. I couldn't trust him— ever again. I barely could trust myself. My parents had went through a nasty divorce when I was 12 and I hated myself. We never even kissed or anything, but it was very hard on me.

A few years later— worse luck by far. I felt a connection with a homosexual guy in 2016. To make matters worse— he was also my boss. It hurt— a lot. I've always believed love is love. Other's sexual orientation never really bothered me and I have never really given it a thought because I considered myself heterosexual (and demisexual— it's so rare to find myself attached to someone that it gives me so many problems when I date). It didn't really matter to me what sexuality everyone else was— I didn't really care. In this instance, I really felt played. He was a flirt and I accidentally fell for him. I really didn't mean to fall for him. Because I thought he was gay from the beginning, I didn't have my guard up and I didn't realize that I was attracted to him until it was too late. Looking back, if I was paying attention at all— I would've noticed that he was my type— tall with geeky glasses and smart, but I really just wasn't paying attention to men in general. 

 

I never went out of my way to talk to him or try to get to know him, but he went out of his way to get to know me. I literally had to talk to him because he was my boss and no one else would override me. That's why I felt like I got played. He asked me to a Pokemon Single's event, to the Power Rangers movie, asked to help on a project I was working on multiple times, and he even asked me if I wanted to go to a class with him. Did I mention that he had a boyfriend during some of these? Maybe he was trying to date me, but he never said the word 'date' or try to get me understand that he was interested. Because of my obnoxious conscious— I couldn't even date him because he was my boss. I literally did not notice him until he put his hand on my arm ie physical touch. I never even gave him a second thought prior.

 

I require words especially in his case. Let alone— I don't want to be with anyone who is playing the field or with someone else. I don't need the confusion or to feel like I am a third wheel. I don't need a blow to my already low self-esteem— which I am wonderfully good at faking. I am too insecure to play games and I won't tolerate it. As far as I could tell, he was gay. He never said otherwise. He also refused to answer any personal questions and it felt like he was making fun of me when he spoke to me. He would not even look at my phone at my drawings. I don't keep provocative photos on my phone let alone take them as I am probably the most prudish person you will ever meet as my conscious and instincts say absolutely no way in hell am I allow to take proactive photos. He always looked like a fox with secrets. He said sweet nothings to me— empty words that sounded so pretty coming out of his mouth like "I trust you more than anyone here" (I didn't trust him) or "I'll never meet anyone else like you. Will I?" (I've met plenty of people like him dear dumb foolish asinine heart)— no you won't meet anyone else like me because I am a complete person who can take care of herself, but that's a whole other topic. He didn't need to say them. I tried to brush it off at the time it was happening, but I also didn't realize how much he hurt me. He was more than I could handle at the time. I also tried to get closure to no avail.

 

If I saw him today, I would probably run the other direction due to my unresolved feelings and the pain I would undoubtedly feel. His boyfriend also hugged me because I was trying to tell him goodbye— forever and he hugged me instead. I don't like people touching me— especially strangers. Also— due to my mother's divorce. She did not give me any hugs or anything from 12-18 and that really scarred me. Let alone— shit that happened to me when I was a kid. I don't fucking like being touched. So yeah— I have zero desire to see this guy again. I just write about this shit cause it hurts and it lets me vent. Maybe I can help someone else who is going through the same shit. 

 

I think— I did run away once already. Not that it matters anymore because I don't want him. I can't trust him and I don't need him. Besides him being a guy and me being attracted to him— any redeeming qualities are completely overshadowed by the hell I went through and why should I want a person who everyone else seem to like when I can't trust him because how wishy washy he is? He wouldn't even tell me what he wanted and this guy is 3-4 years older than me. I want an adult on my same level of being responsible and going after what I want— not an adult playing teenager or the field because they don't know what they want.

 

wasn't completely innocent when I tore myself out of his life. I did not go near him, eventually removed mutual friends, and I eventually blocked/deleted his number. I may (I do regret this— the only thing I regret in this terrible fiasco) have started a rumor that he was bisexual to the other females I thought were interested in him. I easily found out I wasn't the only one who had feelings for him. There were four other girls that also had feelings for him (even if they weren't necessarily aware of it themselves— I can read women so easily due to having three younger sisters and many, many friends. What do you think us girls talk about? Guys. Constantly).

 

I'm actually not sure which one hurt more— when my seemingly best friend asked out my long term crush, when I found out old childhood friend was a player, or the one that was gay. Love was an enigma for most of my life. It was so beautifully wrapped and unattainable. My first instance of love was Tommy from the Power Rangers when I was 3 years old. Now that I am 32— I really agree with Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. That damned heart needs to be locked up in a box until I logically deem it safe to come out. Unfortunately, I wear my heart on my sleeve and I need to learn to put up walls because people are manipulative and they suck. Not everyone— just most people are after there own self-interest and even though I clearly know what I want— NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO! It's pathetic and sad. I can't stand wishy washy people or just dumb people. It's like being surrounded by children, but adults... that are children. Grow up and figure yourself out dude!

 

I was turning 27 when I realized I seriously wanted a boyfriend and I felt like it was time. I always had dreams of getting married and having kids. I still have these dreams. I just thought it would happen naturally in my life and I would organically meet the right person. It wasn't until then that I understood that I needed to actually look for the right person. Instead of swearing off guys because I was heartbroken— I went out on dates with a bunch of different guys. I insisted. If they wanted a one night stand or anything similar, I texted "We're not looking for the same thing" because it was true. Once I realized I had to fight for what I wanted, I actually went on dates. One stood me up on our first date and tried to get me to go to his apartment. One guy showed up in grey sweats on our date and had lied about his height (he was shorter than me and I use filters for height— sorry if this offends anyone, but I've never been attracted to anyone shorter than me— there are plenty of sweet women who are shorter than you and some don't care— so don't lie). One— one super cute one— had a two-year-old kid and it freaked me out. I wasn't ready for kids- I'm still not. I want them— just not yet.

 

Then, I met one I spent 3 1/2 years with. He even has my first kiss. He was a gentleman when we were dating. He bought me flowers and wrote me poems. We could talk about anything. He wasn't not perfect— no one really is, but I was attracted to him. I don't regret anything. I was bound to end up with this guy and there was a lot of shit.

 

A year after we had already moved in together, I found out that he had a friends with benefits relationship that ended a month prior to us talking. He had not had closure so it is no surprise that's what he ultimately went back to.

He was moody— probably was bipolar during our entire relationship. Nothing I did was ever good enough. He kept trying to collect trash and was trying to force veganism on me. He was terrible about picking up after himself. Lots of his socks somehow ended outside. I hated cooking and he literally would eat a bag of broccoli for dinner— which I was not copying. It didn't bother me what he ate or didn't eat, but he was too focused on what I would eat and my weight. I gained 80 pounds during our relationship due to stress, eating, birth control, and overall just not wanting to be controlled. That was my vice in our relationship.

However, a year and a half into our relationship— he started doing drugs. At first he blamed it on me. I've never smoked a cigarette in my life let alone done any drugs. I wanted nothing to do with it. Alcoholism runs on both sides of my family and I avoid that shit too.

When he lost his mom– he spiraled. Yeah, I probably should've left him looking back. But I wasn't going to. I threw his drugs away and poured out his alcohol. There was even a point where he stopped breathing and I had to resuscitate him. It's no surprise that it ended, but I just wanted it so badly to work. I got dumped twice because obviously I loved him. I did say my heart should be locked up somewhere, right? I wasn't joking. My heart defies all logic.

It ended in heartbreak, but I will not give up because I was made to be loved. Also— this heart of mine won't let me give up either.

The biggest lesson I learned in love is:

The people worthy of you and your love will give you the respect and consideration you deserve. If you tell someone that you have feelings for them and they do not give you the consideration you deserve then they do not deserve you. Not a single one of the guys that broke my heart gave me either. I would not give any of them a second chance. This is not a matter of pride. This is a matter of self-worth. Your time and your feelings are worth more than the people who have hurt you. If they don't give you the respect or the consideration you deserve, then they have proven themselves unworthy of your love.

A Writer

Writing was actually very difficult for me. The first grade I received lower than a C was in 7th Grade Grammar. It is not a natural talent. It wasn't until I got into fan fiction that I loved writing. I may not have been great at writing at the time, but I loved reading. My reading comprehension was great. I never had any issues reading. 

 

Originally I wanted to draw a fan fiction story. It was very, very slow going. My drawings were good, but it just took too long, and at the time— I didn't like color. It didn't have the 'wow' factor that I can create today, so I took to writing. I loved how fast I could get through a moment in time. The dialogue was fun to write and my imagination is boundless. I never had enough time in the day to write. I loved it.

I took a creative writing class in high school. My teacher was amazing. My writing improved so much and I just craved more. That's why I pursued a double major in college.

My Projects

Projects. Oh- I have so many. Most of them are in my head.

 

Writing:

Belle Through the Mirrors (Outlined)

Atlantis (Slow Progress)

Dragon's Lament (Slow Progress, but still working on it)

Ragnarok (On-Hold- barely started)

Storyboards:

Hot Air Balloons (Finished Sketching- Working on Inking)

Mr. Miacca (Complete)

Journey to Love (Working Title- Not Started- might be a comic)

Comics:

Mysterious Box (Working on it now)

Dragon's Lament (On Possible Permanent Hold)

A Love Story (Probably Complete)

3D:

Thinking of A Lot of Possible Projects- I haven't quite nailed down anything in my head as of yet

-Car Design (My dad would LOVE this one)

-Vases/ Pots (I loved making them in Ceramics- curious about making them in 3D)

-Chandeliers/ Lighting (I think lighting is my favorite thing to do in 3D art- this one would be fun)

-Diamonds/ Jewels (I'm curious what I could do with reflections and the beautiful shining jewels in 3D)

Other Random Projects:

Songs:

Unrequited Love (needs music- will need to learn to play the piano)

Player (Song Complete- needs music)

Paintings:

Full Moon Night (started)

Large Version of Unity

Love & Roses

My inspiration comes from everything and anywhere- a fabric I like, subject matter, curiosity, or just a feeling. I've been creating so long that I don't always know exactly where something comes from. I'm just always looking for something to inspire me. I really like going to museums. The Indianapolis Museum of Art is very inspiring. It has a Vincent Van Gogh painting. He's my favorite artist. His paintings are so static, but you can see the life and the wind in his paintings. 

Chris Oatley is also an inspiration for me. He works for Disney. His podcast is amazing when you want to be 'in the know' for what is going on in the animation industry- when you aren't in it. He says projects are the new portfolios. They are. I took a portfolio class and the portfolio that emerged from that class will never get me a job- and I got a good grade! If you want to be an illustrator- illustrate. If you want to be a photographer- take photographs! Do the thing you want to do. If you don't know what to illustrate or take pictures of- you will find your answer in a project related to what you are pursuing. It doesn't have to be a job. You are hiring yourself- so you can get a job. That's why I have so many projects- all going on at once. I just want to do so many things!

Be the Person You Wish to Be

Ignore Naysayers

Follow Your Own Path