This is hard.
Dealing with this is hard.
Last night I cried for about an hour because I missed watching him sleep. Not stalker-like, just appreciating the sound of his breathing and letting myself be grateful that I had him in my life because I was weary of this happening.
This is hard for me to accept and hard for me to talk about.
I didn't chose this. He did.
He chose to break up with me by either lying about cheating on me or cheating on me. I don't know which because if he lied to me about cheating on me then I over reacted, but what does that say about him? I can't trust his word anymore because he lied to me. I can't trust "I am going to see my father" because he lied to me.
This is a mess. I am a mess. This is beyond anything I wanted to deal with.
I don't like talking about it and I don't want to accept it because I don't create drama. I prefer to live a drama free life. All the drama in my life for the past 3.5 years has been him. I eliminated the rest of the people who were drama and too much for me. I made an exception and I shouldn't have.
He is like a drug to me. His presence is enticing and I did not want to give him up.
I chose to go through the drama and I actually mean deep heavy drama as well as conversations that I don't consider to keep me sane.
We almost broke up about six months into our relationship because he said something very mean and personal about my body that I can not change without going through some major plastic surgery. We are not talking about weight here. I won't say what it is because it is too demeaning and too mean. I tried to leave him then, but he apologized so pathetically that I stayed.
He kept talking to his ex and other girls.
I tried to not be controlling and tried to let him be social. I have a tendency to have a unintentional dominating presence just because I am the oldest of four girls. I don't enjoy being dominating, but it is something I also try to watch and be mindful of. It just seemed that the only people he was talking to were girls and thinner than me.
When we got together he was vegan and obsessed with exercise. He was too skinny and looked anorexic. I found more vegan food for him to eat because he wasn't eating enough when he was running hours per day. I wasn't vegan. I was pescatarian and he knew that. I was open to eating new foods. I wasn't open to becoming the cook. I do not enjoy it and I will do anything and eat anything to get out of it. He knew this, but throughout the relationship he kept trying to change me and I kept rebelling. I did it as a reflex because I was controlled so much growing up that I don't want perfection and I don't want to be controlled. I was chill with eating anything he cooked if he put it into the fridge at a reasonable time. I had to have a in depth conversation that no— you can leave chili on a stove for weeks and eat on it. It has to go into the fridge, so it won't grow bacteria and it doesn't matter if there's only vegetables in the chili.
He broke up with me because he wanted me to be vegan. He wanted me to be a size 00 on his terms. He wanted me to look like his ex girlfriend that he would not stop talking to. I spent 3.5 years with him. We were engaged. Apparently the 10 years of yearning and being played with meant more to him than three of the years that we lived together in the same house. He saw me everyday. We talked to each other everyday. He didn't value time with me as much as time with her.
His mom died in January 2020. He started doing various drugs in November 2019.
I tried to help him. I threw the drugs away. I brought it up to his family, but they didn't care. They had seen it before and it wasn't a big deal to them. That should've been a major red flag for me, but I loved him and I wanted to help him. From November 2019 to December 2021 he did so many drugs: robocough, alcohol, cocaine, heroine, ketamine, dmx, and plenty of others I don't know the names of. Ketamine was the worst to deal with because he would be out of his mind and not remember anything. There was one time he stopped breathing and I noticed in the middle of the night. He'd taken alcohol with something. I checked if he was breathing and he wasn't. I turned him on to his side and gave him the Heimlich and he starting breathing.
There is so much more to this, but he blamed everything on me.
Apparently since he left, he hasn't done any drugs if you believe him or not. It's probably because he's broke as he lost his job right before he left me.
I tried to be supportive and I tried to help, but he just didn't care about me. He said leaving some major purchases behind was caring. It sounds like it was more out of guilt because he started talking to another girl right after he left. I believe it was before, but apparently she ghosted him. He said giving me my own space was caring when I demanded it when we moved in together as I had shared everything with my sisters and I require my own space for my mental health.
A month later and I landed a well paying job and I can pay all the bills without him, which is nice. What hurts the most is that he celebrated my birthday's and bought me things for Christmas. Without him, I would've received nearly nothing. I think my sister bought me Lindor chocolates, but that's all I got for Christmas outside of his presents. I was used to it before him. After him, every holiday and birthday will be a little less sweeter. I can treat myself now, but it's not the same as a gift from someone you love dearly.
Going back to the dating game that I don't want to play. I didn't ever want to go back. It took me five years to find him. I am Greysexual which basically means it is rare for me to not only be attracted to someone, but to also have feelings of attraction as well. That being said, I didn't turn my ex fiancé down because I'm not an idiot. It just sucks because being born this way as straight with not being attracted to anyone is just so difficult. There's been many times I've given up dating just because I'm just not attracted to people. In the past 3.5 years I was with my now ex fiancé, I had only found two people other than him attractive and I worked in the public sector when I saw people everyday. Now I am older, I have difficult choices to make for my life. Being born with a ticking biological clock doesn't help either. I find it difficult to explain to people that I am just not normal and it doesn't matter if I am a size 4 or 16. It doesn't matter what I eat. Finding someone who I connect with that I am attracted to is freaking difficult. My biological clock is likely to end before I find someone. This sucks, but I do comprehend that I am an intelligent female and I have choices outside of the normal life. I just hope I make the right decisions even if they are difficult.
This is difficult, but I will persevere even if it will hurt for a while.