So... yeah... I did that. You can listen to it here: https://andrealanteigne.hearnow.com/
It'll be ready for purchase very soon!
This is a beautiful tragic moment of celebratory pain. I am infinitely glad to have something crossed off my bucket list, but it comes with a heavy lesson in the foolish game of hormones and love.
For the first two years of my relationship, I could tell that he was in love with someone else. I was furious when he took my dog on a walk with her. We lived 35 minutes away from his dad's and his work. I knew it was a bad idea, but he didn't want to change jobs. I thought he loved me because he gave me flowers and wrote me poems, but my hormones ignored red flags. He didn't want to do anything PDA like holding hands in public. He didn't want me to know who he was talking to— to the point of having no one, but me and his dad saved in his phone. It was weird. He said I was paranoid. He was the one who thought I was a hired actress to torture him— like I can act. I crack up laughing when I'm trying to be serious.
I noticed his psychotic behavior around holiday's— like he didn't want to spend them with me even on my own birthday. Like the very thought of having good times repulsed him. With every Christmas came an argument. Valentine's was ignored and I was called a sheep for wanting attention, chocolate, and roses for what should be a good time for us to spend together as a couple.
I don't believe in soulmates. I believe anyone can be a soulmate if they choose each other above anyone else. My lack of attraction towards most people has played into this quite often as well. For me, it's like finding a sparkling diamond amongst the sea of ordinary people. He sparkled for me, we were good together, we had things in common (contrary to what he kept saying at the end— as apparently veganism was the only trait of his that mattered anymore), but he ultimately didn't choose me.
I think the downfall of our relationship started in August as he stopped asking how I was feeling and stopped meeting me with a smile etched across his beautiful face when I got home. I thought it was because he was working on schoolwork for college, but it was only one class for two months. It was like our relationship no longer mattered to him. I kept rationalizing his behavior as I was trying to make sense of it because I didn't want to come to the sad conclusion that— I no longer mattered to him. He came home late on my birthday saying it was for overtime (unknowingly to me at the time– it was voluntarily), he would be out of his mind on drugs or drunk every weekend (I dumped both down the drain), playing League of Legends, saying that homework was too much and too stressful (again— one class and had enough time for games, but none for me), didn't want to run errands with me, constantly stressing me to become vegan, stressing me to be healthy (while he's hypocritically drinking and on drugs— trashing his liver), and ultimately talking to other women the entire time. Having time for Discord, but not having time for your fiancé is a true waste of time when you talk about nothing while being drunk or high.
This album has lyrics about him and about past fool-heartedly relationships that I no longer even want to be a part of. I don't want to be with someone who cannot accept me as I am, but I also must express myself for my mental health. It helps me work through emotions and trauma. This album is about making my own decisions, my mental health, and letting go so I can eventually be happy. I hope you enjoy and I will eventually write more. Thanks!