It was an impossible memory— almost dreamlike.
I meditate fairly often due to the chaos of my mind which has been more frequent as of late. It helps me to calm down and release built up emotions along with concentrated breathing and writing. The volcano rears its ugly side far more often than I would like.
This particular time when I meditated years ago, I was met with peculiar images. This was rare and had only happened a handful of times. I think they are past life memories, but I can't be 100% certain. After all, it is difficult for me to believe even now— even when it was so vivid.
For context, I was uncertain of my feelings. I felt a magnetic attraction to a person I couldn't be with. I even refused because I didn't want to deal with the drama. I didn't want to deal with him or the entire situation. Stuffing my feelings down was difficult, but necessary. Even now, I don't know if I made the right choice.
It was September years ago and I was still a virgin. The person in question was not a person I would've tried dating even if I wasn't dealing with heartbreak or even if I was in the right place in life to be open to him. Simply put— he was too much to deal with.
I won't compete for another persons' affection. If I feel like I am fighting to be with them, then I just give up. This has plenty to do with my best friend asking out my 7 year crush in 6th grade. I was 12. I didn't handle it well then and there was no way I was dealing with that harrowing drama now that I am an adult. There is literally no point to it. Even if I won, I would forever doubt the relationship or his feelings. I don't put much faith into other people and based on the relationship that I just got out of where I was dumped twice, it is warranted.
At this point, I was sitting on the floor of my living room. I lived in a cheap $500 per month apartment and I was at a loss to what to do. So I prayed and I meditated to figure out what I was feeling and what I should do. I never get actual answers from this, but I can get insight from it.
Pictures in my head floated around in my memory. There was an image I saw of us eating lunch together in 3rd person. He was eating giddily talking about something and I was diligently studying. We were having a conversation, but my eyes were glued to a textbook. Only this had never happened. It looked like a school lunch. We both looked young. I latched onto that image and hundred of similar images flooded in. We were in something that looked like a high school together only— it had never happened. In this, he was in a few grades higher than me and seemed to know plenty of people. However, he would be by my side all the time.
In these flashes, I barely talked to anyone except him. Even in reality I don't really talk to people unless they talk to me in my personal life. This seemed perfectly possible and not something I made up.
Then there were images of a very large library. I gravitate towards books, but this library was impossibly huge. He was leaving or graduating. The conversation didn't make sense to me without any context. We were looking at a book and a gold yellow substance was coming out of our bellies and we tied it together and then it was over.
These flashes gave me context on what I was feeling, but due to circumstances– I can never be with this guy. Looking back on it now, I can understand why we don't have memories of our past lives. They are really useless for our current reality and this did not help me deal with him or figure out what I was supposed to do. No, I did not tell him. He was already impossible to deal with given the circumstances. I didn't need another level of past life drama. I think he is my twin flame or at the very minimum a soulmate. After all, what could I expect but heartache?
Hence, I have avoided him ever since. Annoyingly, I keep running into him. It would help if I sensed any remorse or semblance of the person I fell for. If this was a past life memory, I have every intention of telling him off and shattering whatever this was when we pass on to the next life. As I said, this is not something I choose to deal with. I will not play games or deal with him for the rest of my current mortal life. I've already been running from him for a few years now. What's another 40+ going to do? After all due to the strong magnetic attraction I have for him— we can't be just friends. I can't accept it. I won't stuff my feelings down for any amount of money or stability. My mental health isn't worth it. He is not worth the trouble or my potential suicide. I spoke to friends, colleagues, and family. The only viable option I have left is lifetime avoidance.