My Harrowing Tales of Dating, Forgiveness, & Betrayal

I am a Virgo born in September with an Aries Moon. Most people haven't heard of moon signs, but they govern your emotions. Basically, I am a volcano. I am deeply passionate about what I believe in and I disdain feeling angry. I compare myself to an angry bull, a volcano, and burning up inside. I can look calm, cool, and perfectly collected on the outside when I have a raging fire tornado on the inside.

In 31 years I have been physically attracted to about 20 guys in real life. I don't count people who I haven't met like celebrities. This is actually a very low number. I know this because I've met enough women who literally find almost every guy attractive. I never understood what they saw in them or what was the factors that attracted them— except that they were men.

I know what attracts me: Intelligence, Height, and Extroversion. They have all liked to run and are obnoxiously skinny. If I was taller, I would be skinnier just because I would burn more calories, but alas— I like geeky guys. I actually find the traditional thick black rimmed glass on guys super cute. I think the biggest reason I find geeky extroverted guys cute is because I value communication highly more than anything.

In the Illiad, Paris was offered gifts from three goddesses— Hera, Athena, and Aphrodite. Hera, the queen of the Gods, offered Paris power. Hera promised him that he should have all of Asia at his feet. Athena offered Paris all known skill and knowledge, allowing to become the greatest warrior and most knowledgeable mortal. Aphrodite though offered Paris the hand in marriage of the most beautiful of all mortal women. I've also disagreed with Paris' choice. I think being the most knowledgeable would be the best. Based on what happens with Odysseus in Homer's Odyssey, I think this would have easily saved Troy. Or at least allowed someone who would've taken a second thought about gift of the Trojan horse.

I bring this up as it took me a long time to find someone I wanted to marry and he turned out to be nothing more than a wolf in sheep's clothing.

The harrowing thought about it was that I waited patiently to find the right person. I didn't just leap into a relationship with just anyone. I put all the effort I had into helping him, forgiving him, and letting myself not feel so insecure. This guy had all of my firsts and it was all for naught. He took me for granted and irritatingly enough, he'll probably be married before I find another boyfriend who I actually like.

I know women who are in relationships with men they cannot stand and all they do is complain about their significant others. I didn't want to be that person. So I waited until I was old enough and the guys around my age were mature enough to settle down. This didn't go to plan because not only have the guys picked up some unsavory habits that disgust me, a vast majority of the men I have met literally don't know how to talk to women— which because of their intense lack of finesse— I don't want to talk to them either. It's hard to have a legit conversation with a guy I am interested when all they see me as is a sex object which if that's the case— they don't actually want a woman (the human being kind with thoughts and feelings). They just want sex and there are women out there who only want that too, but I want a relationship with another human being. While the offerings for sex are plentiful, the offerings for an actual relationship are slim pickings.

This leads me into another issue what I am looking for looks like this:

Conversation —> Talking —> Boyfriend/ Girlfriend Relationship —> Engagement —> Marriage

All that is offered is this:

Sex –> Some Talking –> No Contact –> More Sex –> Some More Talking —> No Contact —> Kinda in a Relationship/ Non Relationship, but somehow I am supposed to trust you —> Etc, etc until someone cuts it off

Now sometimes the second one eventually leads into a relationship, but generally cheating occurs and due to some shit that happened in my childhood— I can't do this second one. For one, I am too insecure. For two, I don't fucking trust any of you guys for me to be in a vulnerable position when we haven't built that trust. Trust isn't automatically given. It is earned.

So my last relationship which was pretty much the only one that actually matters because although I had feels for those 19 other guys, they never went anywhere. His mom died and he went back to drugs. I tried to help him through it to no avail. Eventually he lied to me about cheating, so we broke up and he moved back to his dads. He moved another girl into his dads house and slept with her. She went back to her fiancé (oh the eyeballing irony on that one). He begged to get me back. I dumped him the moment I found out about the other girl. He showed up on my porch wanting to "work things out". Then my cat died and then he went back to drugs and dumped me again— this time because he really wanted to flirt with his ex!

Unfortunately, I should expect this due to my history with men. Sometimes, I wish I was into girls just because how irritating and bullshit this road has been. I know of men who have had the same issues with good intentions, but alas– I just have terrible luck.

The first guy I met in college had a girlfriend he never told me about and we were talking and hanging out a lot. My childhood friend turned out to be a player. I was talking