I've written a few times about my weight recently, but I also realize that no one reads them— so I am just talking to the dark abyss of the interweb. It's interesting really. If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it— does it make a sound? The answer is that it does, but the sound waves get further and further apart (hence quieter) like the epicenter of an earthquake. So the ears the waves enter, might not register a sound per say depending on how far away they are, but it does make a sound. So... this feels like journaling and it quintessentially only helps myself as it doesn't reach many people, but I get it off my chest and I get to use my preferred medium of communication— writing.
At the beginning of 2020, I was looking for a gym. Once March hit, my plans were put on hold. It seems permanently. I abhor getting sick and I was working directly with the public until August 2021. I was also getting sick fairly often due to my allergies (I am allergic to grass). Now I happily work primarily at home which is a huge blessing as I've been looking for a work from home job since 2019 because it's just less stressful and convenient. Both of my degrees could easily work from home, so that was my preference eons ago. Now that I can, I am thrilled to bits!
With the pandemic, I avoided people more than I usually do. I also gained more weight than I ever intended to. If I was done with school, then this wouldn't be an issue as I would have more time to do whatever. Alas, I have one year and two months left. So I have to make time for it.
I don't hate my body. We battle at times, but I understand it more than I am given credit for. When people just mention changing my diet as the all-bearing solution, it irritates me. Unfortunately, that is not how my body works.
(^ I am on the right. I was probably about 9 here...)
In order for me to lose weight, I have to exercise. Otherwise, the point is fairly mute. What people do not see when they look at me is that over half of my weight is muscle. I was an active child. I was also an active teenager until I was a bit over 15. I rode bikes, walked for hours, and played basketball. I did not start gaining weight until I entered into high school and even then, I only ate lunch. It was rare when I would eat more than once per day as I wasn't hungry. When I entered into college, I had this inactivity combined with eating out almost everyday.
(^ this is from 2010)
Once I realized I had gained weight— I was at 140 pounds at 21. I lost the weight with diet and exercise.
(Above pictured are from 2012)
When I stopped the exercise, however, I gained back the weight. At 25, I was 160.
(^ It was slightly before this, but I don't have any pictures that show my weight around this time)
I used diet and exercise to lose the weight and I got down to about 130 at 27.
(this was in early 2018)
I am now 31 and I am ashamed about my weight, but it is 225.
I didn't think I would get this heavy, but it comes as of no surprise to me as I have been incredibly stressed since late 2019 when my ex started doing drugs. I don't miss being worried about him or being stress about whether he would lose his job. I was under a lot of stress and never really took care of my body. My mind was my first priority as I need to work a full time job and go to school. Mentally, I am okay. I am better than I could be expected to be. I have a support system I can count on and call when I need to. It sucks that I have to use them as much as I have had to recently, but I am okay right now.
Outside of my weight, I have pulled my shoulder in later 2019 (which is why I was looking for a gym in early 2020) and recently my blood pressure due to stress has caused a nose bleed. I have never done recreational drugs and I have never even tried to smoke a cigarette due to my strong sense that I just don't want to deal with the consequence of any of it. I have drunk once in the past year. I have alcoholics on both sides of my family, so I try not to drink. There are some non alcoholic beverages I will drink instead, but I just don't drink. The only issue I have is my weight.
I invested in a treadmill recently which is helping out a lot. My ex bought me an exercise bike last year for my birthday that I recently changed out the rock-hard seat. I really have no excuse now especially now that I am also single again. Exercise tends to be a good distraction when I am single. Even if I went to the gym, I would only use the equipment I have now, so there is no reason to go. I am using my Apple Watch as my tracker and I am doing fairly well. I will be updating this with my progress. I would like to do once per month, but I may just update this once per month.
Wish me luck!