Struggles with my Weight

I have struggled with my weight for the past 14 years. When it started, I was only 17. It might've been earlier than that, but I didn't notice until I was fatter than my friends. Even so, there was nothing I could do to change it. Previously it was never a problem as I simply walked or biked for hours per day, but my options were very limited at the time.

I lived in Avon, Indiana when I was in high school. I lived with my sisters, mother, and my mother's narcissistic psychotic ex-boyfriend. I wasn't allowed outside. I was also fearful because my mother's ex-boyfriend would call me a slut or accuse me of doing things I would never think about doing. Rather than deal with him, I spent every day living with him— in my room, so I would be left in peace. I wasn't a social person and I didn't know anyone in my neighborhood. It wasn't a hard choice for me, but because of this— I gained weight.

When I went to college, I had a tougher problem. I moved in with my father for my last year of high school and my first year of college. I hated cooking and I had money to eat whatever I wanted especially after I got my first job. I gained 20-30 pounds from the time I finished high school until my second year of college. The "Freshman 15" was no joke, but I nearly doubled it.

I started following the guy from Fit2Fat2Fit and I lost weight. My family wasn't very supportive of me losing weight. I was patronized for exercising and eating healthy. My parents were always naturally skinny, so they did not comprehend that I actually had to put effort in by exercising and eating healthy. They just told me to eat less and clean more- which has never worked for me. I continued to lose weight until I fell into a spiral of depression. I went from a size 12 to a size 4 from 2011-2014. In 2014 during my depression spiral, I averaged about 150-160. Then in 2016-2017, I had my heart broken and I lost weight. When I met Andrew, I was back down to a size 6. Since then, due to Covid fear, overworking, and constantly eating out— I am currently over 200 pounds.

The constant judgement, the fights I get into with my fiancé, and my choice to wear an implant that makes me gain weight— are just irritating. Yeah, I am overweight, but I'm not going to be in this state for forever. Sorry I can't balance my life and my weight at the same time. Actually, the best time I have the ability to control my weight is when I am determined and I just haven't felt that way recently. The world is hell and I am working while going to school. Sorry I am not perfect. I am also saying that I'm not sorry because I am human. I wish I was perfect. I wish I was happy all the time. I wish I could control my emotions. These are facsimile dreams. They are not reality.

I am fat right now. I am not proud of it.

I am not so shortsighted that I will be this way forever. I don't even plan to be in this same state next year. I am a constantly evolving human and I will not be stagnant. Don't compare me with people who never change.

I am a Phoenix and I will blaze brighter each time I die.

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