This is What I Wanted?

I write a LOT about heartbreak— simply because I have WAY more experience in heartbreak than love. I met someone who I thought would change all of that. Again, I am broken. Again, my world falls apart. I have a LOT of insecurities that manifest deep uncertainties that are at times difficult for anyone to put up with. I was thankful for that moment in the sun. I hope it won't be the last.

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Love,

Broken Again

I stand here

broken again

Has it really been over 3 years?

I wanted to keep you near.

The fear,

manifested in our relationship

before we were even tied at the hip

I told you I don't know what I am doing.

Love is such an uncatchable experience

It flows like water from my own hands

Like money

Like most things in life

couldn't hold onto it alone.

 

When you looked behind you,

I felt you slipping away.

Even though you bought an engagement ring,

you were looking at others like the catalogue of a magazine.

I felt the burning of jealousy

I didn't understand why you didn't want to marry me.

As broken as I am,

I can now understand.

You asked for my hand in December,

But I will no longer ask for closure.

You set a fire in my heart

and threw me in the ocean.

You expected the flame not to burn out.

But here I am again lost in the sea

Because you want to leave me

And bury me like the others

How could I expect anything less?

When I am not the best?

Being alone suits me

I can build my nest

And get things off my chest.

I never had a chance

because you never knew me.

Torn & Broken Heart

You cheated.

Or said you cheated.

It doesn't matter.

Because of the trust you decided to break.

And I broke.

A vengeful Harpie out of spite and malice

The way you said it was so callous

There was no remorse, no care for what you had done single-handed

The bile that rose in the back of my throat was difficult to bite down.

Trying to run from me and commitment

Avoiding choices of venue and dates

You shattered me

And drove me to near suicide.

By a foolish possible lie.

You're the one who looked at me with pain far deeper than mine

You tried to stuff your feelings down with drugs and alcohol

Ketamine, Cocaine, DMX, Heroine, Robocough, and designer drugs I've never heard of

I've never denied you unless you were under the influence of substance or drugs

You will never be welcomed with me ever again

Run to others with your pecker outstretch

While thy eyes weep

Your eyes to another sky will never touch

Because you do not know what you want

Bile, twisting in my stomach, the uncontrollable sobs and fits of rage

I've done nothing wrong. 

You were my first kiss, my first everything

I waited for you, like a vain ideal

You plunged me into darkness, but I am light and blameless

I will be okay, given time

But you, the hell in your paranoid mind will persist

I will become a beacon, a siren to you

But I am unmovable, you lost your place with me

Your pretty face is facade for your vile heart and mind

A troll you are, you are no longer mine

For six months you have be sexting with strangers

While laying with me in comfort

I see the light

And it isn't with you.

Wedding Kiss
Heart Pierced with Sword
Broken Heart
Heart Pierced with Sword
Beach Wedding