This is What I Wanted?
I write a LOT about heartbreak— simply because I have WAY more experience in heartbreak than love. I met someone who I thought would change all of that. Again, I am broken. Again, my world falls apart. I have a LOT of insecurities that manifest deep uncertainties that are at times difficult for anyone to put up with. I was thankful for that moment in the sun. I hope it won't be the last.
I stand here
Has it really been over 3 years?
I wanted to keep you near.
manifested in our relationship
before we were even tied at the hip
I told you I don't know what I am doing.
Love is such an uncatchable experience
It flows like water from my own hands
Like most things in life
I couldn't hold onto it alone.
When you looked behind you,
I felt you slipping away.
Even though you bought an engagement ring,
you were looking at others like the catalogue of a magazine.
I felt the burning of jealousy
I didn't understand why you didn't want to marry me.
As broken as I am,
I can now understand.
You asked for my hand in December,
But I will no longer ask for closure.
You set a fire in my heart
and threw me in the ocean.
You expected the flame not to burn out.
But here I am again lost in the sea
Because you want to leave me
And bury me like the others
How could I expect anything less?
When I am not the best?
Being alone suits me
I can build my nest
And get things off my chest.
I never had a chance
because you never knew me.
Torn & Broken Heart
And I broke.
A vengeful Harpie out of spite and malice
The way you said it was so callous
There was no remorse, no care for what you had done single-handed
The bile that rose in the back of my throat was difficult to bite down.
With your ex, of course
She sent you to jail and literal hell
The Bitch has no feelings for you, but you were there
Trying to run from me and commitment
Avoiding choices of venue and dates
You shattered me
You're the one who looked at me with pain far deeper than mine
You tried to stuff your feelings down with drugs and alcohol
Ketamine, Cocaine, DMX, Heroine, Robocough, and designer drugs I've never heard of
You ran away from her to me
And from me to her
You will be trapped in her web as your life untangles to the very thread
I've never denied you unless you were under the influence of substance or drugs
She will lie and cheat and send you to jail again from her family's will
You will never be welcomed with me ever again
Run to her with your pecker outstretch
While thy eyes weep
Your eyes to her sky will never touch
Because you are poor and she is not
Bile, twisting in my stomach, the uncontrollable sobs and fits of rage
I've done nothing wrong.
You were my first kiss, my first everything
I waited for you, like a vain ideal
You plunged me into darkness, but I am light and blameless
I will be okay
But you, the hell in your paranoid mind will persist
I will become a beacon, a siren to you
But I am unmovable, you lost your place with me
Your pretty face is facade for your vile heart and mind
A troll you are, you are no longer mine
For six months you have be sexting with strangers
While laying with me in comfort
I see the light
And it isn't with you.